Anna-Lisa, we miss you!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Josh's Top 20 (updated)
[update: a few hints]
I couldn't just sit back and let everyone else have all the fun...
1. Woman: I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the vase.
Man: What vase?
[Man turns to look for a vase, and as he does, he knocks over a vase of flowers, which shatters on the floor]
Woman: That vase.
Man: I'm sorry...
Woman: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my kids to fix it.
Man: How did you know?
Woman: Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything? -Jenny
2. Girl 1: [reading] "Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other." Aw... all that's missing is your bastard!
Girl 2: I want a parakeet. -Skylark
3. I've fought many wars in my time. Some I've fought for land, some for power, some for glory. I suppose fighting for love makes more sense than all the rest.
[new quote] Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so, we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?
4. Woman: What do you mean he don't eat no meat?
[the entire room stops, in shock]
Woman: Oh, that's okay. I make lamb. -Janssen
5. Woman: C'mon, blow. Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles.
Man: Yeah, uh, I hate Mr. Sniffles. -Janssen
6. Man: Shane, you've got three pairs. You can't have six cards! You can't have six cards in a five-card game!
-AND-
Man 1: Hit me.
Man 2:It's not blackjack. -Andrea
7. Animal: Come on, humans. While we're still young!
Boy: If he tells us to hurry one more time, I'm gonna turn him into a big, fluffy hat. -Em
8. Woman: The last thing I need is another picture of me looking like a porcelain doll.
[new quote] Woman: I believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artist. I can't imagine Monsieur Monet blushing.
Man: He does landscapes.
9. God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"... -Em
10. Man 1: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
Man 2: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Man 1: Weally? What was his name?
Man 2: 'Naughtius Maximus'.
[Centurion laughs]
Man 1: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no, sir.
Man 1:Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
[guard chuckles]
Man 1: What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Man 1: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
[guard chuckles]
Man 1: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behavior like that.
[hint] Think the mastermind that brought us, "We were evicted from our hole in the ground."
11. Man: That was a warning, Highness. Next time my hand flies on its own. Where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies. -Janssen
12. Woman 1: It's great to see you, but I gotta tell you, I've got no idea what you're talking about.
Woman 2: Yes, words are useless! Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble! Too much of it, darling, too much! That is why I show you my work! That is why you are here! -Stephanie
13. I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come on, Squishy Come on, little Squishy. -Janssen
14. Son: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Father: An evil vet?
Son: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Father: An evil petting zoo? -Skylark
15. Man: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Old Woman: My fingers hurt.
Man: What's that?
Old Woman: My fingers hurt.
Man: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so. -Andrea
16. Mama says they was magic shoes. They could take me anywhere. -Em
17. Man 1: Man 2 was in an accident and now he only has a ten-second memory.
Man 2: I was in an accident? That's terrible.
Man 1: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds. -Andrea
18. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. -Jenny
19. Man 1:Now, ancient people found their clothes got cleaner if they washed them at a certain spot in the river. You know why?
Man 2: No.
Man 1: Human sacrifices were once made on the hills above this river. Bodies burnt, water speeded through the wood ashes to create lye.
[holds up a bottle]
Man 1:This is lye - the crucial ingredient. The lye combined with the melted fat of the bodies, till a thick white soapy discharge crept into the river. May I see your hand, please?
[Man 1 licks his lips until they're gleaming wet - he takes Man 2's hand and kisses the back of it]
Man 2: What is this?
Man 1: This...
[pours the lye on Man 2's hand]
Man 1: ... is chemical burn. -Jenny
20. Woman: [watching a news report about a man's death] Yesterday I couldn't find my ID. You didn't take it, did you?
Man: Would you prefer a lie or the truth?
Woman: Did you have anything to do with... that? (the news report)
Man: Yes, I killed him. -Jenny
I couldn't just sit back and let everyone else have all the fun...
1. Woman: I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the vase.
Man: What vase?
[Man turns to look for a vase, and as he does, he knocks over a vase of flowers, which shatters on the floor]
Woman: That vase.
Man: I'm sorry...
Woman: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my kids to fix it.
Man: How did you know?
Woman: Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything? -Jenny
2. Girl 1: [reading] "Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other." Aw... all that's missing is your bastard!
Girl 2: I want a parakeet. -Skylark
3. I've fought many wars in my time. Some I've fought for land, some for power, some for glory. I suppose fighting for love makes more sense than all the rest.
[new quote] Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so, we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?
4. Woman: What do you mean he don't eat no meat?
[the entire room stops, in shock]
Woman: Oh, that's okay. I make lamb. -Janssen
5. Woman: C'mon, blow. Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles.
Man: Yeah, uh, I hate Mr. Sniffles. -Janssen
6. Man: Shane, you've got three pairs. You can't have six cards! You can't have six cards in a five-card game!
-AND-
Man 1: Hit me.
Man 2:It's not blackjack. -Andrea
7. Animal: Come on, humans. While we're still young!
Boy: If he tells us to hurry one more time, I'm gonna turn him into a big, fluffy hat. -Em
8. Woman: The last thing I need is another picture of me looking like a porcelain doll.
[new quote] Woman: I believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artist. I can't imagine Monsieur Monet blushing.
Man: He does landscapes.
9. God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"... -Em
10. Man 1: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
Man 2: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Man 1: Weally? What was his name?
Man 2: 'Naughtius Maximus'.
[Centurion laughs]
Man 1: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no, sir.
Man 1:Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
[guard chuckles]
Man 1: What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Man 1: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
[guard chuckles]
Man 1: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behavior like that.
[hint] Think the mastermind that brought us, "We were evicted from our hole in the ground."
11. Man: That was a warning, Highness. Next time my hand flies on its own. Where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies. -Janssen
12. Woman 1: It's great to see you, but I gotta tell you, I've got no idea what you're talking about.
Woman 2: Yes, words are useless! Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble! Too much of it, darling, too much! That is why I show you my work! That is why you are here! -Stephanie
13. I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come on, Squishy Come on, little Squishy. -Janssen
14. Son: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Father: An evil vet?
Son: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Father: An evil petting zoo? -Skylark
15. Man: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Old Woman: My fingers hurt.
Man: What's that?
Old Woman: My fingers hurt.
Man: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so. -Andrea
16. Mama says they was magic shoes. They could take me anywhere. -Em
17. Man 1: Man 2 was in an accident and now he only has a ten-second memory.
Man 2: I was in an accident? That's terrible.
Man 1: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds. -Andrea
18. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. -Jenny
19. Man 1:Now, ancient people found their clothes got cleaner if they washed them at a certain spot in the river. You know why?
Man 2: No.
Man 1: Human sacrifices were once made on the hills above this river. Bodies burnt, water speeded through the wood ashes to create lye.
[holds up a bottle]
Man 1:This is lye - the crucial ingredient. The lye combined with the melted fat of the bodies, till a thick white soapy discharge crept into the river. May I see your hand, please?
[Man 1 licks his lips until they're gleaming wet - he takes Man 2's hand and kisses the back of it]
Man 2: What is this?
Man 1: This...
[pours the lye on Man 2's hand]
Man 1: ... is chemical burn. -Jenny
20. Woman: [watching a news report about a man's death] Yesterday I couldn't find my ID. You didn't take it, did you?
Man: Would you prefer a lie or the truth?
Woman: Did you have anything to do with... that? (the news report)
Man: Yes, I killed him. -Jenny
Friday, December 19, 2008
the movie game (final update)
Good work, everyone! I have listed the last two since there were no guesses. Now, go out and rent these movies!
1. "You shake and shake the ketchup bottle, none will come, and then a lot'll." (Kate & Leopold)
2. "There's nothing more irresistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him. " -Em
3. "I am wondering, why are you here?" -Quindi
4. "What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife." -Janssen
5. Man: How do you do?
Woman: Mutual, I'm sure. -Quindi
6. Woman: Listen, I'm a big supporter of fixing potholes and erecting swing sets and building shelters. I am more than happy to pay those taxes. I'm just not such a big fan of the percentage that the government uses for national defense, corporate bailouts, and campaign discretionary funds. So, I didn't pay those taxes. I think I sent a letter to that effect with my return.
Man: Would it be the letter that beings "Dear Imperialist Swine"? -Skylark
7. Woman: Have we won?
Man: No, but it got me apple tart brought in now didn't it. (Waking Ned Divine)
8. "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." -Quindi
9. "Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?" -Janssen
10. Woman 1: I'd like to turn her into a fat ol' hop toad.
Woman 2: ...we can't. You know our magic doesn't work that way.
Woman 3: It can only do good, dear, to bring joy and happiness.
Woman 1: Well, that would make me happy. -Em
11. "Your standing films will time and test themselves." -Janssen
12: "Look at you! You have a baby! ...in a bar."-Janssen
13. "Here's to evolution" -Jenny (the bonus movie. Not a favorite, but all time lamest movie ending)
14. "I shall go down in history as 'the man who opened a door'!" -Janssen
15. Woman: My boyfriend thinks I'm fat! And I can't eat in front of him! I can't eat in front of you! I have to go to the bathroom.
Man: Honey, I don't think you're fat! I don't think she's fat! -Janssen
16. Woman: Amnesia. Oh that's rich. All right, fine! I want my stuff back.
Man: Fine. Then I want my stuff back.
Woman: What stuff?
Man: Your nose. -Janssen
17. Man 1: I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I see a big bright blur.
Man 2: There's nothing to see. I used to live here, you know.
Man 1: You're gonna die here, you know. Convenient. -Janssen
18. "Greater good? I am your wife! I am the greatest good you are ever going to get!" -Janssen
19. "Mostly, I remember the last one, the wild finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain, with a comical look on his face, because his insides have been kicked out." -Jenny
20. "It's possible, pig." -Janssen
21. Girl: Your little girlfriend gave me the stink eye in art class yesterday.
Boy: Katrina's not my girlfriend alright? And I doubt she gave you the stink eye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face. -Quindi
1. "You shake and shake the ketchup bottle, none will come, and then a lot'll." (Kate & Leopold)
2. "There's nothing more irresistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him. " -Em
3. "I am wondering, why are you here?" -Quindi
4. "What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife." -Janssen
5. Man: How do you do?
Woman: Mutual, I'm sure. -Quindi
6. Woman: Listen, I'm a big supporter of fixing potholes and erecting swing sets and building shelters. I am more than happy to pay those taxes. I'm just not such a big fan of the percentage that the government uses for national defense, corporate bailouts, and campaign discretionary funds. So, I didn't pay those taxes. I think I sent a letter to that effect with my return.
Man: Would it be the letter that beings "Dear Imperialist Swine"? -Skylark
7. Woman: Have we won?
Man: No, but it got me apple tart brought in now didn't it. (Waking Ned Divine)
8. "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." -Quindi
9. "Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?" -Janssen
10. Woman 1: I'd like to turn her into a fat ol' hop toad.
Woman 2: ...we can't. You know our magic doesn't work that way.
Woman 3: It can only do good, dear, to bring joy and happiness.
Woman 1: Well, that would make me happy. -Em
11. "Your standing films will time and test themselves." -Janssen
12: "Look at you! You have a baby! ...in a bar."-Janssen
13. "Here's to evolution" -Jenny (the bonus movie. Not a favorite, but all time lamest movie ending)
14. "I shall go down in history as 'the man who opened a door'!" -Janssen
15. Woman: My boyfriend thinks I'm fat! And I can't eat in front of him! I can't eat in front of you! I have to go to the bathroom.
Man: Honey, I don't think you're fat! I don't think she's fat! -Janssen
16. Woman: Amnesia. Oh that's rich. All right, fine! I want my stuff back.
Man: Fine. Then I want my stuff back.
Woman: What stuff?
Man: Your nose. -Janssen
17. Man 1: I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I see a big bright blur.
Man 2: There's nothing to see. I used to live here, you know.
Man 1: You're gonna die here, you know. Convenient. -Janssen
18. "Greater good? I am your wife! I am the greatest good you are ever going to get!" -Janssen
19. "Mostly, I remember the last one, the wild finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain, with a comical look on his face, because his insides have been kicked out." -Jenny
20. "It's possible, pig." -Janssen
21. Girl: Your little girlfriend gave me the stink eye in art class yesterday.
Boy: Katrina's not my girlfriend alright? And I doubt she gave you the stink eye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face. -Quindi
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
O Christmas Tree
We put up and decorated our Christmas tree tonight. For the second year, we started singing "O Christmas Tree" spontaneously. The problem is, we don't know the words! We made up a few lyrics (think, "we really need to learn the words, so we can sing this song someday. O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, what are the song's real lyrics?"). Upon searching for the real lyrics, though, we found this jewel. Enjoy!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
are you there, santa?
Janssen has (like with the $1,000 reward for starting college kiss-free) started quite the debate on her blog with her thoughts on Santa Claus. You see, her parents never led her to believe in St. Nick and she plans to do the same with her children (on threat of death, of course, if they spill the beans at school). I think Janssen's plan is great. It's similar to Jo Anne's approach to raising Josh: answer any question truthfully no matter what. Some of the comments on her blog make me wonder, though, if Santa is really the issue.
I love Santa Claus. On the other hand, I'm usually all for the simplest route when it comes to holidays and parenting in general. I just don't know if I'm willing to blame Christmas's commercialism and the ills of the world on Santa Claus. I do agree with one commenter whose parents, when asked if Santa was real, responded with, "what do you think?" Most kids I know figure out the Santa thing on their own. I figured there was no way Santa could afford to buy all the toys (which he obviously bought since they were the same as the ones in the store) so my parents must leave him a check on Christmas Eve. That is, except for the blanket that came with my doll when I was 5 or 6. That one was handmade by Mrs. Claus herself, I was very certain. Oh, I loved that blanket.
Of course, why hang on to a tradition just for tradition's sake? Apparently, there are lots of families out there telling their kids that Santa lives in the mall, or that people dress up like Santa because he is their favorite immaginary character (a la Mickey Mouse or Tom & Jerry). One family tells their kids when they turn 8 that Santa is fictional and then let them stay up late to help set up Christmas for the little kids (I like this one!). Oh, and there are families who don't drink milk, but Katie and Erin got me used to that one at a young age. So, without knowing the crisis existed, I'm there.
Is the Santa wrapping paper (which I'm excited about, since I love wrapping presents) lying to my kids? Will it lead them away from the Church in disillusion? Is Janssen a Christmas HATER (ugh, mean anonymous comments bug) for not wanting to play Santa? Any thoughts?
I love Santa Claus. On the other hand, I'm usually all for the simplest route when it comes to holidays and parenting in general. I just don't know if I'm willing to blame Christmas's commercialism and the ills of the world on Santa Claus. I do agree with one commenter whose parents, when asked if Santa was real, responded with, "what do you think?" Most kids I know figure out the Santa thing on their own. I figured there was no way Santa could afford to buy all the toys (which he obviously bought since they were the same as the ones in the store) so my parents must leave him a check on Christmas Eve. That is, except for the blanket that came with my doll when I was 5 or 6. That one was handmade by Mrs. Claus herself, I was very certain. Oh, I loved that blanket.
Of course, why hang on to a tradition just for tradition's sake? Apparently, there are lots of families out there telling their kids that Santa lives in the mall, or that people dress up like Santa because he is their favorite immaginary character (a la Mickey Mouse or Tom & Jerry). One family tells their kids when they turn 8 that Santa is fictional and then let them stay up late to help set up Christmas for the little kids (I like this one!). Oh, and there are families who don't drink milk, but Katie and Erin got me used to that one at a young age. So, without knowing the crisis existed, I'm there.
Is the Santa wrapping paper (which I'm excited about, since I love wrapping presents) lying to my kids? Will it lead them away from the Church in disillusion? Is Janssen a Christmas HATER (ugh, mean anonymous comments bug) for not wanting to play Santa? Any thoughts?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
another way to waste your money
Can't quite master that cute little lump at the back of your head all so common in "Utah hair"? I remember my first semester at BYU looking at a girl in my Spanish class and wondering what her head looked like underneath her hair (she had the newborn cone head thing going, almost). Well, I later learned how she achieved such glory: teasing and hairspray. Don't have the skills? Just Bump it Up!P.S. In case this post seemed anti-Utah, I should say that the girl in my class was from Colorado, not Utah, and I have seen just as many ASU (sorority) girls with the hair style. That said, I still don't plan on buying a Bumpit.
Monday, December 8, 2008
to anyone looking for a gift for a pregnant friend
Please don't buy this. For only $34.99, you too can buy this body cast set to mold your pregnant body to cherish forever. Who would want to? Even if you do want to (which I doubt), Josh appropriately asks, "where would you put it?"
From the sale page: "Once made, a belly cast can be left as is for a simple, yet elegant look, or it can be decorated in any way imaginable."
Not elegant.
From the sale page: "Once made, a belly cast can be left as is for a simple, yet elegant look, or it can be decorated in any way imaginable."
Not elegant.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
what i read through november
Title: This is What I DidAuthor: Ann Dee Ellis
Synopsis: A middle school-age boy, Logan, endures endless teasing (to the point of abuse at some points) because of something that happened the year before. We don't know what happened until the end, but he feels guilty and confused about the whole thing. Throughout the book he and his family try to figure it all out.
I really liked this book. For starters, I really wanted to like it because I had Ann Dee as an instructor at BYU (and loved her!). Second really strong point: the parents and counselor, although they don't always "get" Logan, they are not the bad guys. Logan feels bad when his mom cries about his situation, but she doesn't try to sweep it all under the rug or tell him to just "get over it." I think the book finds the balance between allowing the kid to be the true hero without painting adults as evil or out of touch. It's a quick read (I read it all last night) because it's mostly dialogue. The writing is clever without being overdone. One review on Amazon.com said "this book is not in the Christian perspective because it deals with child abuse." I disagree. I think she handles the issue in a very real way. I ended the book feeling uplifted, but there was do "deus ex machina" moment (thank goodness).
What's it worth?: I'd buy it, but mostly because I want Ann Dee to write more.
-------
Title: The Wheel of Time: Eye of the World
Author: Robert JordanSynopsis: Fantasy novel about, among other things, three boys from a small village who are integral in the fate of the world. I'll leave it at that, since you're either into fantasy or you're not.
This series has all the things I enjoy in good fantasy: magic, lore, good vs. evil, etc. while still maintaining decently believable characters. Eye of the World is the first book in the series (I've read through number nine currently) and pretty awesome. Those of my friends that have read the series and I still disagree on who is the favorite character, but we all agree the series is pretty fun.
What's it worth?: Buy it if you're at all interested. It's worth reading more than once since (for better of for worse) there are more characters and sub-plots than I can count.
-------
Title: Hippos Go BerserkAuthor: Sandra Boynton
Synopsis: One hippo all alone calls two hippos on the phone...all the way to 40 hippos and back down again.
I love Sandra Boynton because her books have a fun rhythm and cute pictures.
What's it worth?: Buy it and read it again.
---
Title: The Tiny Seed
Author: Eric Carle
Synopsis: The littlest seed survives and becomes the prettiest flower.
Um, not anywhere near as fabulous as some of Carle's other works.
What's it worth?: We only read it once and promptly returned it to the library.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
dropped again
A few more that didn't make the cut, but two are sitting on my coffee table right now waiting for me to read:
monkey see
Last video, I promise. Josh was trying to get Jonah to talk on video. You see, Jonah has this really intent look on his face when he goes "na na na." We're sure he's trying to tell us something because his eyebrows furrow and he looks us in the eyes very deliberately. Anyway, Josh was mouthing to him behind the camera and instead of talking, he did the same thing! If you can last until :38, you will be rewarded.
P.S. He's only gained 8 oz. in the last 3 months, so the doctor wants us to feed him all kinds of cereal and veggies in addition to his normal meals and then to see him in a month for a weight check. The doctor's not too worried. He says each child has to settle into his own growth curve, but he does want to check everything out just to be safe. So we started him with some carrots today and he hated them. Poor kid. I hear it gets better after a few days, but I've never seen such a look of disgust on his face.
I'm also pretty glad we have the pediatrician that we do. I have heard horror stories from many people about doctors that berate breastfeeding mothers when the baby's growth slows down (which our ped. says is very normal) and talk them into formula instead. Our doctor has been very supportive and helpful. The last thing we need as new parents is a condescending pediatrician.
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